Michael F. Shaughnessy
Douglas Main
Eastern New Mexico University
Portales, New Mexico

What are you currently working on or researching or writing?

I spend most of my professional time in full time private practice, treating children with ADHD and Asperger Syndrome and guiding their parents. My monthly parenting columns are often inspired by clinical issues that spring from sessions. Lately, I have devoted my writing to issues such as sports coaching ADHD children, relational aggression among boys, and kids who take plunge too deeply into fantasy. I continue to consult with other professionals who share a similar mission. I am now pursuing opportunities to train phone-based parent coaches in my program of self-control and social skills coaching. A number of such coaches refer their clients to my website to read articles and purchase the Parent Coaching Cards. I thought it would be helpful to offer to parents using the Coaching Card program a coterie of coaches with advanced training in the program.

What are the main school issues that seem to plague parents?

The struggles confronted by today's children are mirrored in the worries of today's parents. Procrastination, lack of motivation, disorganization, and poor planning and prioritization are some of the main issues that inevitably lead to underachievement. The ability to motivate oneself to pursue desirable goals and refrain from interfering temptations is a key ingredient to success in school, and beyond.

Parents can look out for those areas where they might implicitly reinforce or even encourage their child to rely upon them to reach a goal. Examples might include accepting too quickly the child's insistence that they do not know how to work on a task, or allowing attractive distractions to be so easily available that parents must frequently intervene to pull a child away from them. In these two cases the child may not develop sufficient pride and willpower to fuel their inner motivation. Coaching involves providing the tools to a child that they use to tolerate the frustration of pushing themselves, or alternately, removing the obstacles in their way.

What do you mean by "blend but don't bend"?

This expression occurred to me one morning while I was counseling a 10 year old girl. She was struggling with finding that delicate balance between remaining true to her own principles and fitting in with the "crowd." Like so many other children, she faced the challenge of blending in with peer culture without her principles bending in the face of peer pressure. I guided her to the importance of establishing a boundary line between blending and bending.

This was aided by drawing a wide circle on a page to represent the line. We identified acceptable blending behaviors as inside the circle and undesirable ones as outside. Her mother and I propose hypothetical peer situations to get her thinking about this boundary and how she might reinforce the strength of their convictions.

How do we "coach calmness in the anxious child?"

Anxiety is an inherent part of all children's lives but some have more difficulty with it. It occurs more regularly and instead of acting like a fleeting wave of tension, it settles in the mind and body like a heavy weight. Those children more prone to anxiety tend to be easily effected by the sudden twists and turns in life, as if "worry windows" have suddenly opened in their minds and they can't find a way to close them. These openings seem to widen as the child entertains more worrisome thoughts, further fueling feelings of upset, helplessness, and even victimization.

I guide parents toward building a dialogue with their children wherein the "mysteries of anxiety" are revealed. Emphasis is placed upon understanding and learning how to manage the worries and bodily symptoms. Next, parents help them identify triggers and early warning signs. Children learn how spontaneity and unpredictability are like fuel for anxiety. Parents then teach them how to self-soothe through body relaxation, visualization, and self-talk. Finally, parents use circumstances in life to predict ensuing triggers in order to practice the new skills with their children.

How do we coach "self motivation in the unmotivated child?"

There are many reasons why some children behave more like consumers of life's riches rather than producers of life's work. The average American home is filled with multiple entertainment sources that provide immediate rewards, rather than foster delayed gratification. Schedules are so packed with after school sports, lessons, and activities, that some kids crave responsibility-free time at home. Parents' lives are similarly stressful, leaving us less inclined to set up and manage systems of household accountability. This results in children being conditioned to pursue goals governed by parents, teachers, and schedules, rather than from a vital internal source: motivation.

I guide parents toward explaining to children that motivation is the composite of many strengths. It springs from pride, willpower, resilience, confidence and determination, among others. Parents explain to their kids how they build these "mind muscles" by completing difficult tasks . Parents refer to real life examples to demonstrate how these concepts come into play. Parents position themselves as motivational coaches not sources by creating household systems that reward self-motivation. Children earn reward points for initiating work, reducing their reliance upon outside forces, and requesting help only after they have exhausted independent sources for resolution of their questions or problems. When children ask for help in a certain household or homework area parents may sometimes suggest it is an opportunity to build more fuel to push themselves ahead in life. "Have you tried giving yourself directions before you asked them to be given to you?" is the coaching refrain.

How do we avoid getting sucked into "enforcing help"?

Children have a developmental push towards independence and mastery unless certain forces, such as family, emotional or learning issues, are standing in their way. Parents who contend with children who resist help must first question. "What is in my child's way of accepting my help?" Some examples include a child's oversensitivity to criticism, counter-dependency, avoidance of academic challenge due to learning problems, or relationship-based problems that sabotage the parent's attempts to help. Parents are advised to listen to their child's complaints with an open mind, realizing that children must feel safe and understood if they are to freely accept help. In their efforts to help, parents should stress the strategies and skills that children can assimilate and eventually use on their own. Finally, depending upon what barriers are in place, parents can brainstorm ways to ensure that the child's concerns are addressed, and independent learning can be advanced.

Why is it important for parents to be proactive? How do we teach or coach kids to be proactive ?

Today's world is filled with so many temptations, negative influences, and various other compelling encounters that children's self-control and social skills are often put to the test. A poor decision or impulsive outburst or action can have disastrous, and even lifelong, consequences. Parents who sensibly prepare their children with foresight, perspective and other skills provide a more confident foundation for children to contend with the challenges ahead. As these coaching discussions become assimilated by our children they act as an inner guide. When events and circumstances warrant, children can refer back to what they have learned and coach themselves. The ability to "think ahead" is one of the important skills that eventually lead kids to be proactive in their preparation for challenges.

What is the line between helping and hindering?

This question underscores the dilemma for many parents: children's path towards autonomy doesn't take place without our help, but we don't want to make them overly dependent upon us. Each parent shares the goal of helping their child to develop the skills to be self-sufficient in a challenging and unpredictable world. As we strive to guide our children towards independence we provide some of the necessary "scaffolding" within which they can grow. Since each child is unique the line for one child is quite different for another, and the line keeps moving as children acquire new skills and maturity. Therefore, we must be mindful of the need to step back and allow our children the chance to venture forth on their own. The ability to determine when our child is ready for us to take each step back is perhaps the most important factor in determining where the line between helping and hindering resides. Parents acquire this vision by daily communication, review of life events, and relating in the kind of safe and loving manner that invites their children to share important details of their life with them.

A lot of your work revolves around the word "Coaching." What led you to use this term and why?

My approach is called "coaching" (whether it be funneled through the parent, teacher, or offered directly to the child in the form of Parent Coaching Cards). I choose this term because it encompasses two critical ingredients that are necessary for healthy and helpful parent-child relationships. First, it implies that parents are on the same side as the child. Second, it implies that parents offer advice and practical guidance through the use of tangible tools. Prior to developing my program I often witnessed parents' harsh treatment of their children, who felt helpless in the face of recurrent self-control problems.

Why do you focus on "mood" as an important variable and how should parents work with or coach the "moody child?"

Mood acts as a filtering mechanism through which some children perceive their world and react to it. Some children benefit from more intensive mood management because of their less resilient personalities. This refers to strategic efforts by parents to activate a child's awareness of how their frustration is forcing them in the wrong behavior direction. State firmly and flatly, "It's time for you to make a choice between allowing your frustration to rule your reactions or controlling your reactions to your frustration." Be prepared to back up your management efforts with consequences. Unchecked negativity and/or hostility should not be tolerated by parents and other family members. Don't hesitate to enforce the rule that hot heads need private cool down time. Ensure that when children threaten the family peace they spend time by themselves to recover control over their reactions. Suggest that they spend at least five minutes in their room to take some deep breaths and tell themselves to put their bad mood behind them so that it won't spread to create more problems for themselves and others.

What specifically can be done to help children or to coach children who are impulsive?

Childhood impulsivity appears in decisions, actions, and statements. It can be compared to a chemical accelerant that speeds up reactions to events. It is stored up and lives in a dormant form until something in the outside environment strikes. This can be thought as the precipitant or trigger. Once the precipitant arrives on the scene, there may be breakthrough in the form of aggressive actions, such as throwing a shoe, or hostile comments, such as belittling a family member. In the midst of such a breakthrough there is little room for the voice of reason to be heard. Impulsivity narrows a child's perceptions, making it difficult for them to see the "big picture." It acts as a blindfold with a tiny hole in it. So much is blocked out except for the small space afforded by the hole. One can think of that small space as the strong feelings that block out everything else. When I explain this concept to kids, I ask them to remember a time when they felt so angry that they "couldn't see" how their behavior was going to lead to consequences. I also emphasize the triggers and causes to such "blindfold behaviors," such as a critical teacher, refusal of their request by a parent, or the annoyance of a younger sibling. In these cases, wounded pride and difficulty tolerating frustration are the causes.

This is an important distinction because kids would rather see the trigger as the cause, and therefore, blame the teacher, parent, or sibling, i.e. "It's the teacher's fault. If she didn't say that about my report, I wouldn't have told her to shut up."

When coaching a child with impulsivity problems parents should power struggles. Approach in a non-punitive, non-threatening, and non-adversarial manner. Try not to get into an "either/or" situation where you issue a request and immediately follow it up with the threat of a consequence. Don't get lulled into the belief that the harsher you sound the more they will comply; often times, it's just the opposite. Parents get stuck defending angry and arbitrary positions, such as "You either sit down and listen to me, or you're grounded for the week!"

Secondly, give them room for healthy impulse discharge when they need it. One of the ways that kids burn off their impulsivity is through physical activity, listening to music, playing video games, walking out of the house when you are trying to have a conversation with them, and so on. Sometimes this can prevent a meltdown and preserve a channel of communication once they return. Try not to interfere with their access to these routes especially when you pick up signs of imminent impulse breakthrough.

Third, the underlying issues are one of the keys to helping them control their impulsivity. As their world becomes more demanding, children experience more pressure and potential for impulsivity. Many times impulse breakthrough follows a distinct pattern. Take note of these patterns and gently bring it to their attention. Suggest that they can take several deep breaths, give themselves time to cool down, or use relaxation exercises when they feel their impulses building.

Finally, keep in mind that most impulsive kids don't have patience for long and involved explanations about themselves. Parents must strive to make sense out of their impulsive behavior without sounding like a know-it-all. No matter how ill-advised or irrational the behavior, there is some rational thread embedded in the story. Our job is to listen carefully, find the thread, and make our child aware of it in a non-threatening manner. The more that we can designate the steps that lead to their acting out, the more able they will be to see it coming, and take preventive action before the point of no return.

How can strong resistance to parents and authority be addressed?

Of all the necessary ingredients that parents add to the mixture called childrearing, rules and limits are among the most vital. In some children, opposition to parental authority is strong and unflinching. Power struggles, erosion of parent-child relationships, and acting out of anger in other ways, can make family life a battleground of conflicting wills, Complicating this mix, though, is the fact that excessive limits leads to the boiling over of resentment and defiance, but inadequate limits interfere with adaptation to rules and the willpower needed to resist unhealthy pressures. It's not uncommon for mothers and fathers to be on opposite sides of the "firmness fence," each convinced that the other is doing it wrong. This leads to inconsistencies, mixed messages about rules, and the undermining of each other's authority.

Such circumstances can breed dishonesty, deceit and manipulation within children, some of the very behaviors that proper limits are designed to discourage and prevent. Therefore, it is particularly important that parents are united in their approach to this issue.

My approach is such children combines fair and consistent limit-setting, short-term rewards for cooperative behavior, and a coaching dialogue that helps children learn how to self-observe and make healthy changes in their behavior.

Is social isolation always a sign of immaturity?

Children may struggle to negotiate a secure place within their peer group due to immaturity in their social skills, but there are several other factors that also may be responsible for social isolation. Being targeted by bullying, excessive shyness, feelings of inferiority, or other internal or external issues may pose the barrier to social inclusion.

Tell us about these Parent Coaching Cards and where we can get them?

The Parent Coaching Cards are portable social and emotional tools that I developed in my specialty practice treating ADHD children and consulting to their parents and teachers. Each of the 20 4" x 6" full color, coated cards feature a concise, self-help message on one side and eye catching cartoon illustrations on the other. Each card serves to strengthen vital social and emotional skills in all children, not just those with ADHD. Self-control, empathy, resilience, perseverance, flexibility, foresight, and many others

are coached through high impact pictures and words that resonate with the lives of children. Since their introduction in 1998, they have made their way into thousands of homes, schools, and mental health settings. Their popularity has led to a group training manual to run Coaching Card groups, a parenting column, and a book that was published in 2003. The program is in use throughout the world, having been translated into different languages. The language on each card empowers children to practice and rehearse "talk- to-yourself" messages to strengthen their "thinking side" and watch out for the traps of their "reacting side."

The cards do not make mention of ADHD or any other disorder, but are designed to be of help to all children. The program is available at my website: www.parentcoachcards.com or by calling 610-238-4450 and leaving a message.

Do you have a web site where parents can get more information?

www.parentcoachcards.com Parents can read about the program, view sample Coaching Cards and stories submitted by parents throughout the world, review parenting columns, and retrieve other helpful articles.

What question have we neglected to ask? ---

What are some of the most important lessons you have learned from 25 years of clinical experience repairing parent-child relationships?

For a parent, the foundation for improving the parent-child relationship rests with an open mind. Parents must recognize that coaching is a two-way street. Be prepared for children to try to turn tables and make parental actions the subject of coaching. When parents are doing the coaching, it is critical to "find your coaching voice." Children can be profoundly sensitive to parents' tone of voice and volume. In my experience, it is not unusual for parents to be saying the right things but delivering them with a tone of animosity, setting up an adversarial relationship. It is very easy to lapse into a punishing and blaming tone. Finding your voice involves speaking from the heart and listening from the rational mind. When a parent speaks from the heart their love can be heard, even as they express disappointment in their child. In turn, the connection between parent and child remains unbroken, despite trying circumstances. When the parent listens from the rational mind (their own thinking side), the goal is to understand the child's experience.